I am very distracted right now. Easter is not holding the joy it should in my heart. I can’t seem to grasp at the joy I know is there. It sounds terrible, I know. How can I not celebrate the risen Lord? How can I sit in church and not feel the joy radiating off the walls and into my eyes? It’s Easter! We should all be singing and crying from the miracle of our Savior! Well, I can’t seem to push myself into it. I shouldn’t feel that need to push anyway. I feel like a ship with its anchor down as the current pulls at it relentlessly. I’m stuck with a limited radius.
My mom is in the hospital. (For background on this story, please see these posts: 1. 2. 3.) I know that this is not an excuse for a lapse in faith, and honestly, I don’t feel as if my faith has lapsed. I feel like God is with me and I am praying more than ever. On Easter morning, my first thought upon waking up was not how glorious a day it was – it was if my mom had texted me from the hospital yet. Sitting in mass, I was not at all involved. I don’t even remember what the homily was. I was thinking about my mom. I was floating above my body, seeing my anxiety about everything going on in my life seep out of my sweaty, dressed-up body. I couldn’t focus and all I wanted to do was focus. All I wanted to do was feel that joy that comes with realizing the truth of the resurrection. I couldn’t. All I could do was sit and think. Sometimes, I couldn’t even think.
We still aren’t sure what is wrong with my mother. She has undergone quite a few tests to discover the cause of her fevers and chills, but an answer has yet to reveal itself. I am a very goal oriented person. I am driven by the promise of somewhere to be. I don’t do well with functioning without a goal. On Easter morning, my mom’s status was up in the air. There was nowhere to go with what we had, but no answers either. This feeling of emptiness swept me up and held me in its grasps for most of the day. That feeling was all I could focus on. All I could manage was the feeling, and allowing any other stimuli into my system would compromise my coping.
I am trying very hard right now to refocus my worry on Jesus my savior. I know that once I do it will funnel right through him and I will be in both Him and my mom. I know that once I can achieve that I will be happier and better balanced, but getting there is not easy. I have been praying for his intercession and his mercy to rain down on her and my family. I have not denied his control and purposeful action in my life. I am just having trouble handing over my own feelings to him. I know that worry is pointless, but my focus is so difficult to change. My feelings of worry and stress are my current default, no matter how much I know I should be in a state of trust and praise.
A part of me is rejoicing in my Savior – it’s just not my better part.
I’m not hopelessly worrying though. I am not walking through this journey blind. I have God on my side. This is all divinely planned. I know this. I am so thankful for the blessing that is faith. Faith is my life vest today. Faith is what is keeping me afloat. Faith in Him.