If we were having coffee… 04.02.2016

If we were having coffee…

I would tell you how proud of myself I am. This week has been so hard. My mom was in the hospital all week and I was left to run our home. I cooked and cleaned and kept everyone updated on what was going on with mom. I was so overwhelmed and my anxiety was making me want to hide in my closet and just be in complete silence, but I held myself together. I did what needed to be done without complaining. I didn’t cry or let my anxiety crush me. I stood up to it, and I am so proud of myself.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I don’t actually like coffee. I like hot chocolate.

I would tell you that I am struggling with my anger. It’s not that I’m having outbursts or snapping at people. It’s just that I feel as if I am constantly disappointed in the people in my family. I am disappointed in my dad for not taking the lead when my mom got sick and not realizing that I was. I am upset that he couldn’t pick up on what my anxiety tells were and know when to back off – like my mom can. I was disappointed in my sister for not stepping up like I did. I was disappointed in my mom for not handling her mom with compassion. All over I felt – feel – disappointed. I am having a lot of trouble dealing with my personal anger and trying to put it behind me like I should. It isn’t anyone’s fault that I feel this way, but I am proud of myself for containing it and not taking it out on them anyway.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I wish I could find a college roommate already. I am freaking out a little bit.

I would tell you that I am so tired. Every time I move I need a deep breath to recover. My soul is heavy and needs to recover. As proud as I am about controlling my anxiety throughout this incredibly stressful week, it has taken every ounce of physical and mental strength I have. I am mad at myself. I am mad that I have anxiety and that it can wear me out so terribly. I wish that I could change it. I wish I could take this disease and expel it from the rest of me. It makes me mad.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that I got the new cut on my finger from opening a plastic container of mashed potatoes too quickly.

I would tell you that I am thankful for you. I am thankful that you listen to me and read the words I write with such genuine nature. I am thankful for your understanding ears and eyes. I wish I could see you now and hear the words you would say in response. I am thankful this tag exists. I am thankful for words and writing and thoughts.

This is a tag that is done as a community from bloggers all over WordPress. This is my first contribution, but I expect to do many more – especially if this gets a good response. It is very therapeutic to me to be able to share some intimate things with you outside of the context of my faith. Thank you for listening. I appreciate it.



2 thoughts on “If we were having coffee… 04.02.2016

  1. I know this is part of the WordPress linkup (for lack of a better word). But, if we were having coffee…

    I would tell you that, although I haven’t been following you for long, you are amazing! And, while it may be difficult in the midst of everything to focus on God’s plan (or even discern one right now) for you, you will rock the journey you are on.

    I think it was Buddah who said, “if your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”


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